*sigh* Oh, okay then. Drop trou and give me 20 push ups. Then 20 more. Then… well, you see where I am going with this… Don’t stop until I have finished talking to the nice folks…

With that out of the way, and to close this training topic off as a non-topic, but sort-of topic for my blog, I have set up a page specifically for gym stuff, workout tracking and rrraaawwwrrr flexy fitness stuff.

It’s here:

Check my workouts!

I’ve put a link over in my sidebar (look look, over there, top right).

You can all keep an eye out on me now and then, make sure I am not slacking, give me encouragement, offer wild applause for every tiny success, and IF (big *IF*!) I was to post any progress photos, they would go over there.






…






Okay, those of you doing push ups can stop now. How did that feel? It was good wasn’t it? Then come and join me!

** Note: The ‘Friends’ functionality over on Jefit.com is not working for me, so if any of you have joined and tried to friend me, I’m not ignoring you! I’ve raised a ticket with their support, but in the meantime, drop me a note over there instead, I will add you to my contacts and keep an eye on your logs.

Since it’s my forty-mumbleish birthday in a few months, I have decided that I should be in the best shape of my life right now. Truly. I have the time, I have no excuse, I live at the frigging beach for goodness’ sakes!

I can thank good Dutch genes and self awareness (versus physical activity and a good diet) for the body I have now. The genes are just rude luck, the self awareness relates to my theory of body care (proven, I will have you know!) which can be summarised by the following:

Sloth beats greed

It works like this: I am greedy, if I have yummy things in the house, *I will eat them all*! Truly, I will. However, I am also lazy, and I rely on the laziness outweighing the greed. How? I refuse to have junk food in the house. So if I *crave* something that’s bad for me, and don’t have it in the house, I know that I will be too damn lazy to go out and get any. So I just don’t have it. See how that works?

Yeah, I know. It’s brilliance! *takes a bow*

However, while this erstwhile strategy has worked to keep me at a pretty stable weight, it doesn’t actually magically give me any level of fitness at all, so I am slim, but kind of buttery-soft.

I’ve decided I’m going to address it, all gung-ho like.

To that end, for the last month I have been doing a brutal 6-day-a-week gym routine and I have been trying to eat more mindfully.

I know, impressive, right?!

My aim is to keep up the intensity for three months, and that will take me up to my birthday (yes, of course, presents are most welcome, thank you for asking!). At 12 weeks, I will reassess where I am and what next.

While I’m still doing fine with it, I’m now a month in and I am starting to hear those little voices in my head, you know the ones. The ones that were in my ear for ages before I actually started going to the gym, the ones that make excuses, that whine about going, that make it difficult to stay on track.

So, I have now invited my sweet friend Peroxide to join me. He talked about going to the gym ages ago (he promised pictures! Tease!), and then he became suspiciously quiet about it. So I have recruited him into my cult of gym-going so that we can stalk each other in a totally supportive, group huggish kind of way and I can send him encouraging emails, “YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TO THE GYM IN FOUR DAYS, DON’T GIVE ME YOUR EXCUSES, BOY!!” etc. I figured that if I have him to nag support with kind words and bolstering, it will help me stay on track because I will then feel as if I must lead by example because being a hypocrite doesn’t sit well with me… win-win!!

So here’s my online training offer to you, yes YOU. You who have been meaning to do this for a while, but instead you are dicking about going, ‘Ugh, I should really get to the gym… I know I should…” while you sit on the couch eating chips and watching ‘Biggest Loser’. Believe me, I know. Starting is the hardest thing EVER.

COME AND JOIN ME!!

We can have a little D/s-ey fitness club that provides some mutual support. The public nature of it means there is some external accountability, and we can peek in on each other’s progress and give a kick in the arse here, a gentle nudge over there, a congratulatory pat when deserved.

I have just started using jefit.com to track my workouts. It has an iPhone/Android app that I used at the gym to record my workout for the first time today and it’s great (and free!). You can join over there and I will add you to my contacts, and you can be all techno geeky about your gym-going with me.

Join here: Jefit
Message me so I know who you are: Ferns
Copy my workout to use *: My gym routine (be warned, it’s a brutal regime and more than a little confusing. I’m happy to send you more information about it, just ask. You can, of course, create your own.)

Then I will be able to see your activity and progress, like peeking in your windows!

I expect there won’t be many takers for this offer, but if you contact me over there, I will happily give you some support in your training efforts, give you a little shove-along if you need it, and you can send me cute notes to help keep me true also *.

Even if you aren’t a member over there and aren’t interested in any of this, you can go and see my progress in this logging calendar. I might put that in the sidebar so that you can all keep me accountable. I mean, seriously, dommely Domme fails in her efforts to stick to a simple gym routine? That’s just humiliating!

I might even post a ‘before’ picture if I get enough interest. There’s incentive for you!!

Maybe an ‘after’ in a bikini at the end of the three months…

* Disclaimer: I am not a personal trainer and am not offering any expertise or professional advice here, this is solely about accountability and support.

—
Edited to add: Of course this gym-frenzy is probably because I’m not gettin’ any. Just saying.

So, I’m going to keep it up for the moment to see how it goes.

You can click on the ”Ask me!” link (in the menu at the top of the page) to ask your own question, leave a comment, or to see what has transpired so far (the mystery, the intrigue!!).

Having said that, I know that a lot of people only ever come to the front page, and I am all about the service, so I am pasting the Q&A added in the last week here:

—

Hello Lovely Ferns, I am a newbie Domme, loving your bog and all your awesome advise!!! So, I am learning about D/s. BDSM, my sexuality and submissive male sexuality all at once – its fun and sometimes a lil scary. I like your Blog as your approach to D/

Hello there, Miss Newbie Domme! Thank you so much for your note. I’m sorry it got cut off (apparently Formspring has a character limit on questions), not least because you were being so lovely!

I’m happy to hear that you are having fun out there in the world and delighted that you are finding something useful in my blog. I do hope it all continues to go wonderfully for you.

Ferns

—

Have you ever had more then one boy at a time? And when they are serving you in a room at one time – do their normal male ego’s compete, or do they work in a team?

I never have.

When I have a submissive, he is my primary romantic partner, and I am pretty firmly monogamous. I really don’t have the emotional energy to manage more than one at a time. I also get pretty intense so I just don’t have any interest in another when I have ‘the one’.

In short, I’ve never had to worry about clashing egos, thank goodness.

Ferns

—

OK, Miss Ferns, here’s one: I’ve seen a lot of dominants talk about getting off on causing pain (or, maybe more accurately, with some, getting off on the effect that the pain is having on their subs). Yet they don’t want to do humiliation.

To add the rest of your question that got cut off:

“As far as I can see, humiliation is just a more psychological version of pain. So why, do you think, there’s a difference?”

I think that’s a great question and I agree with you that humiliation is just a different form of masochism; psychological or emotional masochism.

As to why there’s a difference, I think there could be any number of reasons for why some dominants won’t touch it.

Some possibilities:

1. It is not widely understood due to the ways it’s (mis)represented (see a gazillion stereotypical sneering references to ‘worthless worm’ etc)
2. It is *hard* to understand – physical pain is easy to see, learn and easy to deliver, not so with humiliation
3. Humiliation is difficult to learn because it’s so personal, and it’s tricky to do well
4. It has a lot of negative connotations (see 1 above)
5. It can be a much crueller thing than physical pain, and can cause a lot of damage, so that can be a significant barrier to entry
6. They don’t believe it (the humiliating things they are saying or making him act out) and can’t ‘role play’ believing it
7. (and this is a biggie) It just doesn’t turn them on. Doing it, his reaction to it etc maybe just doesn’t work for them

Personally, I can play with humiliation only mildly as part of overall passionate-hotness, when I see in that moment how I can twist the knife and when I twist it, and he is horrified and turned on and hurt and ripped open… guh!! Holy hell!

So I *know* how hot it can be, but I can’t make it a ‘thing’ because for me it only works in the heat of the moment. I *need* my submissive to be sexy to me, and my play keeps him in the ‘raawwrrr hot WANT!’ zone. Heavy humiliation takes him out of that zone to me, and that turns me off.

Ferns

—

Hi Ferns! What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

*smile* Cute question.

I am moody with favourites of any kind (or maybe I just don’t like to commit).

Depending how I am feeling, some of my first choices would be white chocolate, fig & caramel, vanilla bean, Haagen-Dazs ‘dulce de leche’, chocolate chip, banana…

Maybe I’m just greedy and want them all!!

Ferns

—

When you are tantalising and tormenting a lad do you like him to be quiet at first and then to be forced to be vocal.Or do you like him to reveal his inner self vocally from the start. Your writing reminds me of a couple of people but I won’t let on who.

I am very aural (I said *aural*!!), even though I am pretty quiet myself when I play. I love to hear my submissive; everything from a slight intake of breath to a whimper to a deep throated groan. I rarely use gags because I enjoy the sounds he makes so much, so I want to hear every single thing from him right from the beginning.

“Your writing reminds me of a couple of people but I won’t let on who.”

Unfair! Who who?!!

Ferns

—

Do you have sisters? Like…,you know…, wonderful, funny, sensuous, dominant-ish?

*suspicious squint* There are many ways to interpret this question:

“You ain’t all that, is there a version of you that is, you know, *better* than you?”

“Phwoar, dominant SISTERS… maybe TWINS??!!!”

“I am interested in hereditary personality traits, how does that manifest with you?”

I will neither confirm or deny that I may or may not have a sister or more than one sister nor will I confirm or deny the level of my alleged sister/s’ level of wonderfulness, funniness, sensuality or dominance.

I hope that answered your question *laugh*.

Ferns

—

With all the adoration your readers throw your way, do you ever, maybe not fantasize per se, but think about what it would be like to maybe meet any of your fans, see what happens?

What a great question, and yes, of course!!

Firstly, I have to caveat the ‘yes, of course!!’ and say that I’m not a social person (see my post about being an introvert), so if the question is “Would you meet someone who said “I’m a fan of your blog, want to meet for a coffee?”‘, the answer would be “No”. That is, I wouldn’t meet someone solely *because* they liked my blog.

BUT, my romantic little daydream is that some fabulous submissive man who reads my blog will think ‘Oh my god, she’s so amazing, I MUST get to know her!’, and strike up a scintillating email conversation that never ends and that reveals an irresistible, effortless compatibility… One thing will lead to another, we will fall madly in love and live happily ever after. *dreamy sigh*

Along those lines, e contacted me because he liked my blog and we went from there, so even though that didn’t work out, absolutely I think about it and am open to it.

Ferns

—

I just wanted to say, I love reading your blog! Honestly, there’s no other blogs like it; with your lovely mixture of wit and honesty. I’m new to femdom and this blog has really helped me understand myself in a different way. So thank you!

*big smile* Oh, that’s so great to hear!! I am so glad you are getting something out of it. That makes me uber happy *bounce*.

Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know!

Ferns

—

Do you enjoy dominating men who are bigger/stronger (and hence, could overpower you but instead submit willingly?) or are you more fond of skinnier guys who are less masculine? Thanks. I love what you do!

This question actually gets asked a lot in a D/s context, and for me the answer is that from a D/s perspective it’s not at all relevant. Quite honestly, even men who are smaller (shorter, skinnier) than me can overpower me. Even though I am tall and slim, I am a little weakling kitten like you see on the back of old comic books in advertisements for body building devices! So in that sense, the question is moot.

Outside of a D/s context, I like men who are taller than me. This has nothing to do with D/s, but is more to do with sexual attraction and not wanting to feel like an Amazon (which is hot in fantasy, but makes me feel all galumphy-jolly-giant out in the world which I don’t like).

My ‘ideal’ physical type is tall with lean and sinewy muscle (six pack *swoon*), but I don’t seek it out because other things are *much* more important. I cannot emphasise the *much more important* bit there enough.

In theory, I might say that I like a particular physical ‘type’, but when I meet a man who bowls me over with his amazing awesomeness, that ‘type’ becomes *completely* (and I mean *completely*!) irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, I DO need to feel physically attracted to him, so I would never say that his looks don’t count, but a man has to come to me with *much* more than the packaging.

If you are asking out of concern about your desirability, rest assured that women are attracted to all ‘types’, D/s or no.

“I love what you do!”

Thank you, and I enjoyed the question!

Ferns

—

Of course it’s worth keeping. If for no other reason, we all get the chance to say secret, random nice things to you when the spirit moves us.

*laugh* Thank you for the secret, random nice thing (this of course totally counts as one!). Your fun note made my evening!

Ferns

—

I like you… Just sayin’

*smile* You can say that any time you like. Thank you for the sweetness.

Ferns

—

Zomg, Fern’s actually used my touch up of the boot fit. Awesome! -Aa

*laugh* I totally did! I was going to send you a note to let you know, but you saw it before I could! Kudos!!

Thank you for the touch up, and if anyone wants to see it, it’s the lovely clean boot image on my facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=645514339, [and on my Formspring page].

Ferns

—

Penetrating Warmth,
You are the heat on my breath,
The blood in my veins.
Captivating kiss,
Takes me away from the pain,
You inflict with love.
Teeth marks linger on,
Brush strokes on a bleeding canvas,
I’m your work of art.

Hello beautiful work of art,

*smile* What a lovely and thoughtful gift, thank you so much for it.

You may formspring me anytime you like.

Ferns

—

You’re lovely!

Oh! *smile* Thank you! And you are so lovely for saying so!

You are also my first anonymous Formspring question-asker (even though it wasn’t a question!). I wish I had a prize to give you.

Here, have a virtual cookie… *passes cookie* And since it is a virtual one, I can guarantee that it is your favourite kind!

Ferns

—

Ferns, As a newbie sub I’m having uncontrollable physical reactions when I speak w/the Dominant Woman I am interested in. These include shivering, body tingling, precum, (among others). We have no agreement of any kind. Just friends. Is this normal?

Wow, that sounds amazing!

Do I think it’s ‘normal’ as in ‘happens to lots of people all the time’? No.

Having said that, I think that for some people, especially those who are very emotionally open (which is a hugely rare and wonderful quality), being exposed to D/s for the first time can be a really powerful experience, what with self discovery, being (finally) free to express yourself, presumably seeing hints of what’s possible… That can be heady stuff and it sounds like it is hitting you really hard, hopefully in a good way.

Enjoy it, talk to her about it so that she can give you support if you need it, and look after your heart.

I often felt like my sexuality was being hijacked by someone else’s agenda or expectations and there was no room to express myself in the way I wanted, and it took me a long time to figure out why that was. Once I figured out that it was about control, I was able to better figure out how to find my complement.

…dominance is how I show love, desire, affection, tenderness… I want to rip the skin from his bones and crawl inside him, stick my hands into his body and touch him everywhere, I want him splayed open, vulnerable, raw and messy and then I want to be the one to save him from that torment.

The snippets above are extracts from an interview I did for Dishevelled Domina’s blog, where she has done a wonderful series with dominant women.

Go and read my entire interview (and those from other fabulous dominant women): Interview #30!

I used to do a very irregular “Sunday curiosity” post where I invited people to ask me random questions. This was not a strategy that I made up because I was too lazy to actually come up with topics to write about… ooohhh no! Not at all. Okay, well… maybe a little bit.

Mostly though, I did it because I loved to hear from you, my lovely readers, and respond to *your* input (versus the other way around), but it fell by the wayside in the flurry that is my random writing and aimless flailing about on the page.

I quietly put up an experimental ‘Formspring – Ask me a question‘ box a little while ago (see, over in the sidebar on the right, waaaayyy down at the bottom), because all the cool kids are doing it, and I wanted to see if anyone would discover it and throw things at me, all anonymous and safe-like. I did get a few cute little messages (*wave* Hello there, sweet Formspringers!), which I loved.

So now I am officially seeing if it’s worth keeping and actually using, so I am pointing at it, all shouty like:

LOOK! LOOK!! COME AND ASK ME A QUESTION, TALK TO ME, TELL ME SECRETS, I’M SO LOOOONEEELLYYY!!!!

There is a Formspring ‘ask a question’ box in the sidebar AND on this new “Ask me” page here (oh look, up there across the top of the blog: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a new “Ask me” page link!!)

The questions AND answers will show up on the new “Ask me” page (go and take a peek!). Fun!

If there are any questions or ideas that turn me into an endless windbag (ha! as if that ever happens (?!)), I might use them as a prompt for an actual real and proper post.

So go on, don’t be shy… pop over and type some stuff to me… I will just be waiting here, holding my breath until I turn blue.

Seriously, is this a ‘thing’ now?

I sooo hope it’s a thing.

That thought makes me stupidly happy!

Photo courtesy of A Couple of Wankers

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #37? Start with the newly updated rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

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All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the read more tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Kink & Fetish

A Pixie Calls Me Daddy
Afterwards, kissing
Another Try at Topping
Bent Over and Exposed
Female Orgasm: Where Do You Get Off?
Hurts
Letting the Sadist Out to Play
more con-slut…
pain & sadism: how they intertwine
Tied Up and Tossed in a Corner
Waiting My Turn
Warm Up

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Fifty Shades Of Me

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Buying a Toy: What You Need to Know
Bring on the wanks
I want your sex
My Mother, The Whore
Poly Fallacies #4
Q&A # 3: Childhood BDSM Fantasies
Sticks and Stones…
Small World of Swinging
The Gauge
Us Lately
White and Nerdy

Erotic Writing

Around and ’round
Down
Golden girl
Hard Love
Hot sunny sex on a rainy day
It Ain’t Sex
I Want to be Watched
I made him watch me masturbate
Jealous
Lazy Day
Lost in Submission
Making out
On Display
Pussy Doctor
Perfect Cover
Pussy Eating- The Fun Way
Rack and Ruin part II
Shower Scene
The Third Date
Tickle Monster
Waiting for It
Watching Skylarks

I am drumk, whoicnh mans slow and terrible typing, wihc I am too lazy to corect because, I am lazy
an d drnk!@

I hpe yhou had a great day, cutie pie, and mickey mouse was sweet to you.

Good moening , Jay

*big hug*

Ferns

It’s its own special ‘thing’, like a ‘thing’ you read about when you read about ‘things’ that aren’t like other ‘things’…

Un-coffeed, I am kind of mean

You totally win injury finger porn wars!!!

I think Hitty McHitty-on-er-ton was over in the other corner with the fit brunette in the tiny shorts…

I think you absolutely *must* say something about your ‘journey’, whine about scammers, fit in at least one ‘lol’ (preferably with no relevant context), one smiley face :) to make you seem like a jolly nice chap, and then some tired old sexual innuendo followed by a wink emoticon ;) because haw-haw-wink-wink etc.

If I have just offended you because you are religious, please pray for me.

Search term that landed someone on my blog: “my erection”. Sorry bud, I wasn’t talking about you, really, I wasn’t…

…thanks for your opinion on whatever it is that you are talking about.

I have no idea who you are, what you are talking about, or why you are messaging me.

They are pretty, but they are a ‘what on earth will I wear them with’ colour… I guess I can just go naked…

I tried it with my last submissive as a few days of ‘no touching’ as a punishment, there was no ‘device’. I didn’t really expect much from it, I thought he would be frustrated and kind of annoyed, and then it would be done.

His response to it, though, was oh my fucking god incredibly hot and fascinating and so much fucking fun I could barely stand it.

He became this hyper sexualised, hyper sensitive version of himself, and I loved it. He was suddenly amazingly aware of his body, of his desires, his senses picking up any erotic clues in the world, clawing at them and gathering them to him as if they were suddenly vitally important. His energy changed, he got all spiky and manic, like he wanted to run into walls and dive under trains. He thrummed with it, and playing with him in that state became something different, with everything super sharp and focussed.

When the ‘punishment’ ended, we realised that we had discovered a new form of play that just worked, so I explored it some more.

At its simplest, I would describe it as extended foreplay, there was play, touching, teasing, edging, with me coming as much as I wanted, and him not coming at all. He was kept on a sexual edge for as long as I wanted, our play was intensified, he became sensitised in a way he had never been before, his entire way of walking around in the world changed, his view of himself changed, his relationship with his sexuality was emphasised, and I was the owner of all of it.

It was just incredibly hot hot hot, intensely intimate, and amazingly close-making. The longest I went with him denied orgasm was 53 days.

Tl;dr – Because it’s fucking hot. That’s why.